Choose with Love (S18E7)

Something landed in me this morning and it begins: If you choose to do something, do it with love. This thought sparked a whole stream of thoughts and I'd love to share some of those today to see where they take us and to see how they might resonate with you too. Welcome to the Henny Flynn Podcast, the space for deepening self awareness with profound self compassion. I'm Henny. I write, coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world, all founded on a bedrock of self love.

Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you. So that thought continued: If you choose to do something, do it with love. And If you can't do it with love, do it with acceptance. And If you can't do it with acceptance, do it with awareness of the inner resistance. And hold that awareness with love and acceptance.

And if you can't hold that awareness of the inner resistance with love and acceptance, maybe consider how it might be if you chose not to do it. And do that choosing with love. So, I'll share a bit more about, where these words sprang from and, the provocation for them, but really this is about boundaries and it's about the ability to see where we can choose our own actions, however small those distinctions around that choice might be. So it might not be in the external articulation of what actually happens, but recognising that we also have choices about how we feel in response to the choices that we make. And for me, like so many of the topics that I bring into the podcast that we share together in the podcast, there is a nuance here, there is a subtlety here.

And also there are lots and lots of threads of thought that come out from this core concept of if you choose to do something, do it with love. You know, when these thoughts land, I often, it feels to me like they come from somewhere outside of me. Feels like, or from somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep inside of me, somewhere where it's not necessarily a sort of conscious thought process that's got me to that. It's simply that something appears and I listen. And this feels important to listen to.

And as I've been reflecting on it, I've recognized the many, many, many times in my life where I have chosen to do something and I haven't done it with love. I might have done it with the semblance of love, the appearance of love, the pretense of love or the pretense of okayness. I mean, that's really what I'm talking about when I say love. And, you know, and I think there's something really rich in here that's possibly worthy of exploration and maybe it resonates with you too in some way, just as I share those first few words. So, choice.

Know, choice gives us a sense of autonomy and autonomy is one of the things that helps us maintain a sense of dignity, a sense of, being able to, stand steady in our own space. And dignity is one of the core pillars of a healthy way of being alongside safety and belonging. And in fact, in somatic systemic trauma work, those three words, dignity, safety and belonging are really, really foundational for supporting us in coming to a place of healing, when we've experienced, traumatic events or are surrounded by traumatic events. So how we choose to react or rather to respond to the things that we find ourselves doing can be informed by the differences between, you know, sometimes we're simply stepping into duty and responsibility and that's why we're in this place of getting things done, know, choosing maybe it doesn't always feel like choice, but we are choosing to do these actions because of a sense of duty or responsibility. That might be in the home place because we're caring for somebody.

It might be in the workplace because we're, you know, fundamentally being paid to do something. It might be in the social setting because we have a sense of rightness, about the importance of us, stepping into a particular role or taking action, you know, maybe even in a sense of being an activist, in terms of, sort of social responsibility. And this, the way that we, what might be driving some of those choices to say yes to things could be that we're reacting with our conditioned responses and habituated behaviors. Know, we perhaps see it as something that we've always done, something that we were told that we had to do, a way for us to feel like we belong or that we're going to be safe in the world. And so there's something really important here about this kind of practicing of mindful discernment between, you know, where what is really driving our behaviour.

So before diving into this anymore, because really what we're talking about is those, back to like the tipping point actually, back to what we talked about a couple of weeks ago, but this sort of, you know, when we're in this place of choice making, Sometimes making choices feels impossible and I think it's important to call this out. This isn't the heart of my intention for what I wanted to share today, but it still feels important to name it, and to honor it actually. So sometimes making choices feels impossible. It feels like we have no choice available to us. For example, if we're being coerced or forced into behaviours that are fundamentally unhealthy for us, That really needs a very careful kind of attention, ideally with support from a trusted source to help you step out of the constraints of that kind of relationship, that kind of relating with the world, whether it's in the workplace or it's in the home or it's in a social setting, you know.

So if any aspect of what I share today sparks that sense within you or you just notice it really, maybe in relation to someone else that you know, you know, it's really important that if that is our experience that we're able to find a way to reach out to someone to support us. Maybe that means finding a therapist, a highly trusted, and well equipped friend, or an organisation that's skilled in whatever we're experiencing, and that we seek their guidance and expertise in helping us make the decisions or the choices that we wish to make that are actually going to be much healthier for us. And I use that term healthy in the widest sense. And, you know, and of course in that action to step toward creating some kind of change, we're actually exercising our ability to choose, and we're taking a step toward a different outcome, a different choice that we're making. And I also want to acknowledge that very often that feels incredibly hard and in itself might feel impossible to do.

So sort of honoring all of that and really recognising the challenges that many people face. And to say that this particular reflection today is really about those times in our lives when we have got choice, when we are resourced, when we're not in a position of being coerced, and that the decision making comes from within us, maybe from conditioned responses that we have gathered to us, in the course of our life for very rational, and valid reasons. Really today is an invitation to sort of sit in some of kind of nuanced complexity of some of those decision making points that we have. So, you know, sometimes in our life we might feel we've got very limited choice. So back to that point around duty and responsibility, you know, if we're responsible for others, there may be a part of us that cherishes that responsibility.

And there may be other parts of us that resent it, that rail against it, or that wish it could be different. And that's deeply human. And my personal sense is that it might be relatively rare for someone to never feel some form of resistance to the duties they take on, even if they take them on willingly. So you might be caring for a parent or a young person, or you know, you might be caring for a friend who really needs some support right now. And, you know, so we take those actions unwillingly, you know, from a place of love, and sometimes it can all feel a bit too much, and it's okay to acknowledge that.

And sometimes if we reflect on what's actually driving us, maybe we begin to see where perhaps we're continuing to take on tasks that maybe don't fully belong to us. So an example I've got is, my mum, so, four children, she worked full time in a secondary school teaching English, and, her head teacher asked her to take on another project, and at some point she said, you do know how busy I am?' and he replied, if you want something doing, ask the busiest person you know. And that phrase might be something that's familiar with you as well, know. And my memory of her sharing that story was that there was a little bit of a badge of honor about that. Oh, you know, I might have picked up that badge of honor along the way as well.

Because, you know, that speaks to efficiency. It speaks to sort of our self worth, know, speaks to how valued we are in that community. So, you know, she was highly valued by her head teacher and he knew that she was a safe pair of hands and that's a big reward mechanism. So, even though she was so busy, she would take it on. But of course, you know, if that saying yes, if that also means exhaustion, burnout, irritability with those we love, because let's face it, they're the people we're most likely to be irritable with because they're the safest place to vent and hopefully still be loved, then it's not necessarily our best way forward.

And if it means suppressing frustration, because it begins to turn into a sort of internal dialogue of why am I always the one who has to do everything? Keep And pushing that down, maybe suppressing the truth of our feelings. You know, desire to say no, is submerged under the drivers to say yes. It can also lead to that feeling, of discomfort with the actions that we're finding ourselves having to take, sinking deeper and deeper into our body. The kind of imagery I had when I was thinking about this was, like it becomes a ball of resentment, often for me anyway, wrapped in guilt, because I don't want to acknowledge that I feel resentful, because it makes me feel bad and I don't like feeling bad, so I pretend I feel okay about it.

And, you know, for me, in the past, certainly that's involved layering on this kind of good girl vibe on the outside, this sort of this patterna that I'd learned to adopt when something was needed of me, even when I didn't want to do it. So, this sort of sense is that, at times our internal reaction to our decision to say yes, even if we said yes willingly, can leave us with disgruntled feelings as we begin to do the thing that we've said we're gonna do. So, I just wanna kind of take a little pause there for a moment and just sort of invite you to check-in, does that resonate in any way? Do you recognize those times where maybe you find yourself saying yes, you'll do something, but inside you've got this other dialogue going on, which is like, oh, why am I doing this? Or various other phrases that there might be.

And if you do recognise it, then, you know, also recognizing like this kind of sense of suppressing those feelings, because it's like, we don't like having bad feelings. And so often we do suppress them, we shove them down and we stuff them somewhere in our body where they just sort of sit and maybe fester. And that's really what resentment is, is a festering thought. So, is some background to what provoked this particular train of thought, and it is going get more positive, I promise. So this morning Anton went off to work early.

He is building another beautiful cabin with the friend who built our retreat house, and so he's working a few miles away. And I was just getting settled into my work for the day when he rang and said that he'd forgotten his pills. So they're important, they're vital for his well-being, and his health, and they're not something that he ever usually forgets. So as I was driving to go and meet him, this thought of if you're going, if you choose to do something, do it with love and all the rest of what came after that really landed in me. And then I was thinking about what might some of the different scenarios be that I have enacted personally and maybe some of these resonate with you.

So scenario one that I was thinking about is that, he phones, he says I need my pills and I say okay and he says can you bring them and meet me halfway? And I say, yes, of course, absolutely fine, no problem. And inside, I'm actually feeling frustration that he forgot them. I'm irritated at how hard it was to find them. I really want to get on my day, I'm feeling really guilty that I'm not a nicer person, I'm pushing down all of that frustration and I'm putting on a lovely smile when I see him, wanting him to think I'm much nicer than I actually feel inside.

So that's definitely one scenario that I might have enacted. I think the fact that these are like Anton's pills kind of slightly sort of skews this story, but you know, hey, let's stick with it because obviously I want him to be well. So there's gonna be another driver there, but hopefully you get the sense. So scenario two is he phones, says he needs them. I say, okay, we agree.

I'm gonna meet him halfway. Inside, on another day, I might actually be really irritated that I can't get on with my stuff. I might start fabricating a story about why is it always me who's got to drop everything? Or why can't people, that's a classic thing actually, when we start generalising things into like wider people as opposed to this person? Why can't people just deal with their own stuff?

Or getting very specific and critical of the individual. Why isn't he more organized? And, and You know, I could have created a whole load of stories. And I think there've definitely been times when I have done that, when I've agreed to do something, but then like have this whole inner sort of dialogue going on while I've been doing it. And really got lost actually in some of those stories, some of those narratives that I've created inside me.

And then scenario three, which is actually what happened today, which was he rang, I said, of course, and as I was gathering my keys and sort of working out, okay, am I gonna have time to go and see him and get back in time for my first conversation, not with a client. If it'd been with a client, my action might have been slightly different. Was I able to move that call, whatever. And then thinking actually, no, I've got time to go on the back road, because it will be much prettier and then I can really see all the autumn leaves. And as I'm driving along, I am genuinely really enjoying going and seeing him.

And I'm genuinely really happy with the choice that I've made to say yes. Hence, if you're going to choose to do something, do it with love. It just really, I really felt like I was doing it with love. And, you know, and there's another scenario, of course, you know, if I had had a client call, you know, immediately that morning, I'd have said, I'm so sorry, darling, I can't do it right now. And in the case of him, you know, needing something that was as important as what he needed today, I might have seen, were there any other sort of changes I can make or he would have driven back and got them himself or I would have gone and taken them to him later.

But I think it's sort of, it's recognising the distinction between these four different internal experiences and in scenario four, if I had chosen not to take them, to then not fill myself with guilt or shame that I was letting him down, to be really, really mindfully discerning about the choice that I was actually making, and be comfortable with that choice. You know, and of course, like, you know, on another day I might have responded differently to the way that I did today. I just happened to be in a really kind of open, flexible place. And so, yay, you know, I was able to respond the way that I did. And my sense is that we can extrapolate this out to so many things that might happen in our life, maybe at work or in our family unit or in our local community.

You know, if we say yes, and then we simply sit with disgruntlement and dissatisfaction and guilt maybe for having ungenerous thoughts, then actually what we're doing is we're internalizing a lot of difficult negative stuff. So if we say yes, it can be beautiful to explore how to really embody that sense of yes, that sense of choice that we exercised when we said yes. Because saying yes and meaning no can leave us feeling worse than if we'd practiced holding our boundaries however difficult that might be for us and if boundaries are tricky for you, if you sense there's some sort of complexity around boundaries, I've actually got a free mini course on boundaries. I'll put a link to it in the show notes, that takes you through, I think there are five episodes that I've done that all touch on boundaries, it gives you some reflective points around each of those episodes through five emails. So, if that's useful for you, then just click the link in the notes.

Because, because the thing is here, to the external eye, the outcome might still be the same. You know, the task gets done, the action gets taken, the choice gets made. Yet inside, the way that we internalize that choice can fundamentally impact us. And it leaves possibly some kind of sense of toxicity of, the negative emotions that might end up being trapped inside our bodies. And so I think the sort of point here is that this is where that deepest sense of choice resides.

How do we choose to hold space for the choice that we made? And you know, as I say that, that feels like a very, you know, very kind of Buddhist philosophy really. You know, how do we choose to hold space for the choice that we made? And I'm aware of some of the complexity for me of really explaining why this feels so important. So I hope I'm able to express this clearly enough without it sounding repetitious.

But I think this is where these words sprang from this morning, know, from this deep wise or external wisdom, whatever. You know, as I drove to meet Anton today, and I'm going to repeat those words because maybe their resonance rings a little bit more cleanly now, If you choose to do something, do it with love, and if you can't do it with love, do it with acceptance, and if you can't do it with acceptance, do it with awareness of the inner resistance, and hold that awareness of the inner resistance with love. And if you can't hold that awareness of the inner resistance with love, maybe consider how it might be if you chose not to do the thing. And from there, actually, that's where we start stepping into the land of the positive no. And how do we exercise that choice to say no with love, you know, holding ourselves with love, holding the other person with love.

So, as I was kind of writing all of that, was then reflecting on the choices that I make each day, the one to sit here, to have written these words, to be voicing these words that I've written, to do the washing up later, to make dinner because Anton will be home later than my last appointment finishes, so I'll be the one to make dinner tonight. You know, all of these choices I've made and I can do them with love or I can do them with resistance and I know which one is gonna help me feel better. Then I choose love, again and again and again. I choose love. And for me, love isn't about rose tinted spectacles or magical thinking.

It's simply about seeing where I have a choice about how I'm feeling and exercising that. Now, there are sort of different researchers, offer up different, percentages, but ninety four to ninety six percent of our experience of the world is unconscious. We are experiencing what's happening around us and within us unconsciously, 94 to 96%. It's massive, isn't it? This is the iceberg principle.

We only see this tiny percentage above the water and underneath the water is this absolutely vast body of the iceberg. And it means that, only like four to 6% of our experience is conscious awareness. And I think, what this practice that I'm sharing today, what it's really about is how do we bring our conscious awareness to the feeling that we're having when we've made a willing choice. So, it reminds me of that Thich Nhat Hanh quote, washing up to wash up. I've shared it before quite recently actually, on another episode, washing up to wash up.

You know, we can wash up and be irritated and wish we were doing something else and we can be angry that no one else has already done it, or we can choose to enjoy how it feels to have the water running over our hands. We can choose to get a sense of satisfaction from the pile of dishes on one side of the sink moving from one side over to the other side, lovely and clean. The outcome is the same, the dishes get washed. It's the same, but the experience of doing it is fundamentally different. And when the dishes have been washed, we feel very different as well.

We walk away feeling calm and relaxed and happy and ready to step into what happens next. And if it's useful for us, maybe we also work out how to have the conversations that mean that the washing up is dealt with more equitably in the future. Maybe that's like part of what comes from this practice of this awareness of what's going on in our inner world. We're more able to see where maybe a fresh action, a different action might need to be taken. And all of these sort of ordinary everyday examples, as I share them, can see times in my working life, my family life, my social life, where, I can apply the same principle of, know, the outcome is the same, It's the way that I choose to do it, which really, really makes the difference.

And yeah, and, And what does that bring up for you? Yeah. And there's something about, it's almost like I can hear that voice, that voice that says, but I don't have any choices. I've just got to get on and do it all. And maybe that is the case.

Maybe that is the case. And so even in that, we are still making a choice. I remember one of my teachers, quite a few years ago, basically saying, you know, in any scenario, there is always a choice. There might not be choices that we wish to take. They might not feel like lovely options, but you can often break down any situation and see, well, there are choices here.

And sometimes I think in the gentlest, kindest, most beautiful, compassionate and caring way, asking ourselves, well, what are the choices that I have here? Can be deeply profound and enlightening. And maybe it's as simple as choosing how we approach something, knowing that the outcome will be the same, but the inner experience could be fundamentally different. So, yeah, like so many of these episodes, this is a bit of a thought meander, and I'd love to hear what your reflections are. Does it spark anything within you?

Does it resonate at all within you? And if so, I'd really, really love to hear your reflections. And if you would like to explore this whole, sort of concept of boundaries and how to set, really clear, healthy, compassion that boundaries around you adult centered boundaries adult to adult centered boundaries then do click the link It's a completely free offering and there's some really useful stuff in there that you might find, really serves you. So click the link and, I'd love to send that over to you. Yeah, I think that's it for today and I, as ever, wish you the most beautiful day, whatever your day might hold.

May, you know, every action you take, may you find the path to moving forward with love. May we all, may we all, may we all. Alright my darlings, I'll send you a hug and a wave.