Where Do You Go To, My Lovely? (S21E3)
You know those times when you're really determined to get something done but something about the process keeps thwarting you. I love that word thwarting and you have two choices. You can either keep going regardless and push on through or you can step back and release and take a breath. That's what I'd like to talk about today. Welcome to the Henny Flynn podcast, the space for deepening self awareness with profound self compassion.
Henny:I'm Henny. I write, coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world, all founded on a bedrock of self love. Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you. So the reason for raising it is because I've just been in a little bit of a technological battle with something. Trying to do the thing that I want to do and the system, the machine, the computer kept saying no.
Henny:Kept saying that what I was doing or what I was trying to upload wasn't in the right format, blah blah blah blah. And I tried to go around the back and look at it from different angles. And then I thought, well, can I convert the thing that I'm trying to upload? But no. No, and no, and no, and no.
Henny:And I could really feel that frustration rising. I don't know how it is for you. Do you hear me? You know, I really hope that frustration isn't rising in you, but I could really feel it rising. And so then there was a part of me that just wanted to switch everything off and go down to the house and watch some telly because I've shared before how TV is definitely a learned habit from way, way, way back in the day, right back into childhood as a place of switch off, a place of disconnect.
Henny:Sometimes that can be okay, of course, you know, if my brain is really busy, I really appreciate what TV can do. It can help to soften it and soothe it and calm it down. But when it's that kind of default, sort of like, oh, I'm gonna reach for the thing that will numb me, then it's not so healthy. And we'll all have those things. At other times in my life, that thing would have been, I'll go maybe go outside and have a cigarette.
Henny:I can't believe I used to smoke by the way, it just feels so anathemous to me now. Or again, back in the day, maybe I'd have reached for a glass of wine. You know, anything to sort of distract and take me away from the thing that was feeling irritating, uncomfortable, annoying, stressful, frustrating, you know, whatever that might've been to complex, difficult to hold. And so, you know, I could feel now I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do a lot of things that I used to do, but I still do occasionally watch TV. We don't have a TV in the house anymore, partly because I recognize it is my drug of choice and I want to be much more conscious and mindful about how I reach for it and how I actually receive it, how I use it.
Henny:But still the option is always there. I have a laptop, I can watch telly. So, I thought about that. And then I thought, or I could come here or I could come here and being really honest, I could solve two things with one, three things perhaps. One, I get to step away from the task that was feeling clunky, sticky, hard to move through.
Henny:I don't respond to my automated conditioned, learned responsive reaching for the thing that numbs me. So I don't turn to the TV and I get to talk to you. I get to sit here in this lovely field that we create. I often talk about the field, obviously I run seasonal programme of the field, hopefully that's something that you haven't heard of and you'd like to know more about, I can share more another time, but you know, I get to step into this field here between me and you and everyone else who listens regardless of the fact that I'm speaking now and you're listening now in our two different time places it's still now And everyone who listens regardless of the calendar date or the, you know, the time on a clock, it's still now. So we're all present now.
Henny:And for me, that feels really beautiful. I think, you know, the more I do this podcast, the more I recognise the value of that, the more I recognise, you know the incredibly special and beautiful point of connection and engagement that this means of communicating gives us, gives me, I can only speak from my perspective, but that feels wonderful to me, it feels good in my body, I notice that my mind is much calmer as well now that I've come here, now that I'm with you, thank you so much. Also I recognise that that task that I was trying to achieve, I started to construct, an unenforceable rule around it. The unenforceable rule being, I wanted it to work the way I wanted it to work, not the way it was actually built to work. And so my unenforceable rule became the sticking point, became the place of resistance.
Henny:And one of the things that can happen when we find ourselves in this place of the unenforceable rule is that our thinking shuts down, it narrows down and we start to get focused in on, but I want it to be this way, rather than being able to pull back and open up and see, well, what are some of the other ways it could be? What might be another more creative solution I could find? Is there someone that I need to ask for some help? Is there a different resource available for me? You know, all of these questions that all could, you know, genuinely help me solve this problem that I'm facing and this technical challenge I'm facing.
Henny:But if I'm stuck in that narrowed thinking of just wanting it to be a certain way because that's the way that it would serve me, I think right now, then all I create is tension and all I meet is resistance. And neither of those things feel particularly great in my body. So I think it's, yeah, so I'm really grateful. I'm really grateful that I have this place to turn to and I suppose the question that comes to me from that is, where do you go when stuff feels like that for you? Often I will turn to my journal as well.
Henny:And you know, that can be a place where I can just sort of express what I'm noticing. See, I ask the question, how can I bring more compassion here? I mean, sounds like how on earth would you ask that question about, you know, feeling irritated that you can't work with a IT system. But actually asking that question, how can I bring more compassion here? Really helps me soften because the compassion I can bring is almost like sort of humor and gentle kind of ribbing of the part of me that really wants to get that thing done.
Henny:My get it done driver, she's very strong. And this sort of gentle kind of like attention to her and just bringing some compassion to her and just going, yeah, yeah, of course, my love, of course you wanna get it done. You know, and obviously, as I said, you know, I have spaces like this where I can come and also there's a force benefit here of course, is this is a task that I wanna get done. I want to at some point, prepare, the podcast for you, send it out, get it ready for Saturday morning and it's now Thursday evening. So that's great.
Henny:It means I don't have to do it tomorrow. So that also serves me win win. But yes, that question like where do you go? I've now got that song, where do you go? Where do you go, my lovely?
Henny:Oh, I'd really I'd nearly sang it then, but I'm not sure I quite get the tune right. You know, this thing of like sort of, yeah, where do we go when stuff feels hard? And I'm kind of deliberately keeping our attention focused for now. I mean, wherever your attention goes is where your attention goes, go with that. But for the purpose of what I want to, or what feels like it's coming through right now, I haven't planned this.
Henny:Rarely plan the podcast episodes these days, but what's coming through and what I'm trusting is this sense of like, where do we go just when this stuff just feels a bit annoying, where we're being thwarted in some way and how do we how do we notice that with enough wisdom, with enough compassion, with enough kindness that we don't then start blaming someone, something, some other. Where we can pause long enough that we're able to see oh hang on a minute what am I bringing to this situation that's actually making me feel this way? You know we often hear the guidance and it's good guidance you know we often hear the guidance that no one can make you feel something. I mean, it's a bit of a bold claim, isn't it? And as humans, I think many of us might have a kind of resistance to that statement.
Henny:You know, no one can make you feel anything. What, no one can make you feel afraid. No one can make you feel sad. No one can make you feel joy. But underneath the sort of human layers of that, there is this what feels to me more of a kind of soul truth that it is our responses to the experiences of our life that drive the emotions that we're having.
Henny:And really, I think that is something that many, many, many teachers would say. So if we can recognise that, even in like the bits of life that feel annoying, like, and we can attend to what's coming up inside us in such a way that we're able to take a pause, step back, create a bit more perspective. Then I think it serves two purposes. One, it might mean that we're actually able to find a more creative solution and two, we're able to support ourselves in feeling better because I don't want to be flooded with little spiky hits of cortisol and adrenaline and you know, don't want to be, I don't want my nervous system to feel kind of jagged and a bit on edge and irritated. That feeling, that's not a great feeling for me.
Henny:I like to feel at ease. I like to feel present. I like to feel calm, I like to feel joyful, I like to laugh. And in fact, humor in these situations for me is often one of my best tools is if I can laugh with myself, not at, but if I can laugh with myself, when I clock that I'm getting a bit like caught up in my head, a bit spiky, if I can laugh, then everything eases. So that would be another place that I go, but laughing not in a sort of, That's awful sounding laugh, wasn't it?
Henny:But laughing and, you know, with true sort of love and compassion for myself, then that feels much more useful rather than a sort of, yeah, a kind of artificial performative kind of laughing at rather than that deep loving, laughing with. And maybe there's someone that you go to or maybe it's you go and you sit with your dog or your cat or your pet rabbit, your pet guinea pig and you allow the ease of their nervous system to help calm your own you know we have these mirror neurons both within us and within animals. And, you know, this is how we, if we walk into a situation and everything's very, very, very activated in the space that we walk into, we will feel it straight away. It's our mirror neurons activating. If we go to our, I'm going to say dog because of my lovely Ronnie who's asleep next to me.
Henny:If I go to Ronnie and just give him a cuddle and he will respond with just soft gentle love. And that is a message to my nervous system that it's safe for me to settle. And I had no idea I was going to end up talking about this today, but as I reflect on what's coming out of my mouth, my feeling is that these smaller moments, this attention to ourselves in these smaller moments of our lives, ordinary moments of our lives. It's this kind of attention and this kind of awareness that helps us build the muscle memory that enables us to access the kinds of tools that we hold within us when the bigger stuff hits, arrives, lands, emerges, whatever. So, I find it really, really important.
Henny:And actually I touched on the field earlier, we've started this season, we're in flow already with this season and the next season doesn't, open again until January. But if that's something that you're curious about, then do keep an eye on how you can join us in January because really the field is so, it's like a kind of a live version in some ways of the podcast because it's a space where we're able to attend to all these nuances that then can help inform the way that we experience the bigger things in life. And something I often find in this world that I inhabit, I never know quite what to call it, but the world within which I work, you know, these spheres within which I work, is that often the messaging can be like, here's a quick fix, here's a big answer for something, here's how to stop feeling X or here's how to make sure you feel Y or to do Z, like whatever it might be. But actually my feeling is that we hold, we hold all of this innate knowledge, this innate wisdom about ourselves and what most serves us within us.
Henny:It's just that often we've been taught or conditioned or trained out of paying attention to it. So I know in the past, I would have just sat and sat and sat and forced my way through that problem that I outlined at the beginning of this podcast. I would have got my, like rolled up my sleeves, settled in for a big like session and really like just made myself make progress come hell or high water. And I still might not have got it done or might not have got it done the way that I want to get it done. But I would have taken some satisfaction in what I would have considered to be resilience, I suppose, persistence, not giving upness.
Henny:And I would have ended up working really late and that's definitely, you know, a big part of like what caused me to have, you know, burnouts in the past, because I didn't know when to stop. And actually learning that, learning that often it is better to step back. I mean, we all know this, don't we? None of this is new news, but sometimes it can be really useful to remind ourselves of it. Learning, you know, I have the option to step back and that sometimes stepping back is the wiser step.
Henny:That's been quite transformative for me. And I think from that kind of recognising that there might be a number of sort of places we can go with that, you know, maybe we step back and we just go out into nature. We'll just step outside of our door and look up at the sky and take a breath. Maybe we do what I did and turn our attention to another piece of work that feels a little bit more joyful, somewhere where we can kind of reassert those feelings of connection and capability and knowledge, you know, and remind ourselves we'd actually do know what we're doing. Maybe it's about reaching out to another human and just expressing what we're feeling.
Henny:There's a slight caveat to that because what's There's a nuance to that too, which is what we don't always want to do is just go and download, offload to another human in a rant that takes us nowhere. Or particularly if that other human is a fixer and then starts telling us like how to solve the problem if we haven't asked them to tell us that, or if the other person is a colluder and just, you know, kind of keeps us in that place of frustration, whether that frustration is about a piece of work, another person, a system, something that we've seen in the news. So when we, you know, when we go and speak to another person as our means of breaking whatever pattern we've got ourselves like wrapped up in, it's really important that we're very clear about what it is we want from them. Sometimes it can be lovely just to say, will you just listen to me and let me get this off my chest? And I promise you, I will find my way through it.
Henny:Maybe there's the go and stroke your dog, your rabbit, your guinea pig, whatever it might be. Maybe it's go and have a cup of tea. And also through that, recognising where your conditioned response might be trying to drive you. So your conditioned response might be doing what I was talking about with myself earlier, reaching out for the thing that numbs you. And it's not saying that, you know, having a glass of wine is the worst thing in the world or watching some telly is the worst thing in the world or buying something online is the worst thing in the world.
Henny:But they're not great if they're unconscious. They're not great if they're automatic things that we're reaching for without even knowing that we're doing it. Picking up our phone. I mean, I have to say that, do you know what? I also noticed I did that.
Henny:When I was, when I, when it was starting to get really irritating, I was trying to upload some photos to a thing that I'm creating. And when I started to notice, well I noticed it was getting irritating because I picked up my phone for absolutely no reason whatsoever, other than to give me a little dopamine spike in a moment where I wasn't getting any kind of sense of reward because what I was doing was so irritating to me. So bringing this conscious awareness to these automated numbing tools is also really, really useful in these moments. Because like I said before, that can help us build that muscle memory, build that spaciousness, build that awareness of our actions and then be even more conscious about, well, what's the thing that will actually serve me better. I've got Victor Frankl's quote in my head.
Henny:This is an interesting quote because I've never actually found where this was written, but it's always attributed to him. So if you know like where it actually comes from, I'd love to hear that. But it's between stimulus and response, there is a space. And the quote goes on, like just that between stimulus and response, there is a space. So the stimulus for me was the, you know, trying to get this stuff uploaded into this IT system.
Henny:This like bit of software. The response was my frustration and at the time in it, deep in it, it feels like there's no space at all but of course there is a space between stimulus and response because it's in that space that we choose our response. And then he goes on to say, and that gives us our growth and our happiness, like choosing our response is the thing that gives us our growth and our happiness. And the more we do that, the easier it is to find the spaces between the stimulus and the response. If we never practice that, it's extraordinarily difficult to find the space.
Henny:I'm now really thoughtful about, I think there's a Buddhist sort of concept of the gap and I don't really know what the gap is. I'm gonna research it actually now. But for me, it's almost like, I wonder, I wonder whether part of the gap is this space between stimulus and response. It's the liminal space. It's the space where the change happens and where we have choice.
Henny:So how's that? I think maybe that brings us to a close, for today's meander, this week's meander. And also just to say that this is sort of landed on me really quickly. I hadn't quite realised that we were nearly at the September 22, which is the day that my latest book, is officially published. So it's when it comes out, and it's called Everyday Compassion three sixty five days of ordinary kindness and in many ways actually just thinking about that it really speaks to what I've just been saying like these ordinary moments paying attention in these ordinary moments, well that's what everyday compassion is about.
Henny:It's about this ordinary kindness that we can extend toward ourselves and ripple out into the world. And often I think it's in these little things that the biggest stuff happens acorns, oaks, atoms, the rest of matter. Yes, Everyday Compassion, it is published on the September 22. You can pre order still from me and I'll put a link in the show notes. It is a really beautiful book and, you know, I love all of the books I've written, otherwise why would you write them if you didn't love them?
Henny:And this one just feels like it is a bringing together an amalgam of so many of the little sort of glimmers of wisdom that I have learned, been taught, realised from within me along the way. And each day there's just a little message, a little piece of everyday compassion to read, to reflect. There's always a PS that offers maybe a bit of wry humour. A love of play on words, know, that sort of thing. And there are also twelve days within the year, randomly spaced, one a month, randomly spaced, as an invitation to find your own glimmer for that day.
Henny:And really this is about building that muscle memory of like finding those points that feel like compassion to us. It is the perfect gift for somebody that you love and if that somebody that you love is you then the gift is even more perfect. I mean it just would make me so incredibly happy if you write to me and say that you'd like me to inscribe it for you And if you'd like me to inscribe it for someone that you love, just let me know when you order. All right, my darlings. Yeah, that felt really lovely.
Henny:And I feel quite different from how I felt just before I opened up this recording. And I'm so delighted to be here with you now. So I send you love and a hug and a wave.
