Speaker 1: Hey, my darlings.
So here we are, beginning of a
new season and we are diving
headfirst into quite a big topic
how do we know what is enough?
Welcome to the Henny Flynn
podcast, the space for deepening
self-awareness with profound
self-compassion.
I'm Henny, I write, coach and
speak about how exploring our
inner world can transform how we
experience our outer world, all
founded on a bedrock of
self-love.
Settle in and listen and see
where the episode takes you
episode takes you.
When I was thinking about this
topic, this topic of how do we
know what is enough, there was a
line from Love Actually which
kept resonating through me that
I'm not sure if you remember it,
but there's a point where one
of the male protagonists who is
in love with one of the female
protagonists, who is married to
his best friend, declares to her
that he loves her and it's
something that he's been hiding
for a very long time and she
graciously accepts that he loves
her without anything happening.
They don't run off into the
sunset together and as he walks
away he says enough, enough now.
And that moment has always
struck me as very poignant, even
though I mean, you know, it's
kind of slightly odd the way
that he declares his love to her
.
But, you know, let's let that
go.
But that realization, that
moment of enough, enough.
Now.
I think there's something
really powerful about that and
you know, I often return to this
idea of how do we know when
enough is enough, how do we know
what is enough?
And obviously, of course, so
many of us hold stories about
ourselves not being enough or,
in my case, and I know in the
case of very many of us, a sense
that our enough is a bit too
much.
So these kinds of stories, they
all tie in to, I think, what
can be an inability to really
recognize what is enough.
And I'm sure you know,
psychologically, psychologically
, there'll be lots of reasons
for that, because while we keep
striving, we keep moving forward
, we keep improving, we keep
thriving and we stay alive.
So there will be a fundamental
core human desire to not be
settled with what we have but to
always be looking for something
more.
However, with the state of the
world as it is and the
development of humankind as it
is, my feeling is that this kind
of constant striving, the
constant hustle forward, is not
that healthy often, and it can
play out in lots of different
ways in our lives, ways that we
might not necessarily always see
, and so I wanted to explore
this idea a little bit today.
Now, we can often find ourselves
feeling or thinking we want a
little more or a little less, or
a lot of something, or a lot
more or a lot less.
You know of something and and,
like I said, it can seem like
it's part of human nature to
never be quite fully satisfied,
because we may think that it's
that dissatisfaction that keeps
us striving forward.
But my sense when I was
reflecting on this is that it
could also be the thing that
keeps us from contentment.
And you know, there are wiser
people than me that have written
a lot and thought a lot about
this concept of contentment,
particularly contentment versus
happiness.
So, staying really focused on
this concept of enough, how do
we know when to accept what is
and when to move toward
something different?
And I think that's one of those
spaces the spaces of the grey,
the spaces of the liminal, the
space in the in-between where
really we need to tap deeply
into our discernment and not
just have a mindless urge to
constantly be moving forward and
also not to have maybe an
unhealthy passivity where we
don't do things that would
actually really, really benefit
us, you know and and maybe be
what actually makes us safer.
So, as ever with these things,
it was a personal experience
that really brought this to life
for me.
So we've just been away for a
few weeks in Vietnam and we met
up with our son.
It was beautiful.
He's been travelling, he's away
for a long time, which is the
reason why we took the leap, the
plunge, to go and see him that
you know, so far away, and it
was wonderful, and we spent a
few days.
He came and stayed at the hotel
that we were staying at and it
was beautiful.
And then, when we said goodbye,
it broke my heart.
It's the only phrase that works
.
As I walked away from him, I
felt like my heart was breaking
and I sobbed, and sobbed, and
sobbed.
I'm just going to let Ronnie
down.
He's sitting on my lap and
wants to get down and it felt
like that moment, as as we
walked away, was actually the
moment that my son left the nest
, even though he's been living
away from home for years.
Something about it struck me
deep inside and it felt like
that umbilical cord, you know
know, was stretched to breaking
point.
It was horribly painful.
I'm not sure if I've got this
across.
I'm sure I have actually, but
it was horribly painful and
Ronnie's shaking, if you can
hear that, and of course you
know that cord, that connection
will always be there, but it was
hard.
We happened to bump into him, um
, in another part of Vietnam,
completely by chance.
They were there too, and it was
so easy, breezy, um, so
inconsequential.
They arrived hi, they left bye.
It was super chilled out and
that second goodbye felt really
beautiful to me, it felt like a
joyous gift.
And I journaled afterwards
because then I could feel myself
yearning, you know, leaning
forward into wanting more.
And through that piece of
writing I realized that I had a
choice.
Of course you know we always
have choices and my choice was
to make that experience that I
just had, the easy, breezy
experience, not enough, or I
could allow it to be exactly
what it was.
And then something rather
beautiful came to me and I
realized that I also had the
choice to make my body like
temper.
You know the stuff that
mattresses are made of, that
stuff that NASA developed for
the space missions it's.
I had this sort of this choice
to make my body like temper, so
that it could hold the
impression of that most recent
hug, so that my body could hold
the impression of him with love.
And then I thought about all
the hugs I've ever had with him.
And then I thought about all
the hugs I've ever had with him,
each tiny version of him, each
version of him as he grew, and
each hug since he became the man
he is at six foot three.
And and then what came to me is
that the body holds the score.
If you know that book by Bessel
van der Kolk and you'll know
what I'm referring to and I'm
going to talk a bit more about
this concept actually across
this season, about the body
holding the score.
There's something around pain
banks and self-care savings that
I really want to share with you
, and often, when we talk about
this idea of the body holds the
score, we're talking about the
hidden wounds and the scars that
we all carry to some degree,
some of us, you know, with
really incredibly challenging
wounds.
You know what we might call
PTSD, and but all of us, all of
us hold wounds from you know,
different experiences that we've
had in life.
You know wounds that salves and
ointments can't reach, and, it
strikes me, we also carry all
the hugs filled with love, with
laughter and joy that we've ever
felt too, whether those hugs
have come from family or friends
or brief acquaintances.
You know those moments where
you might be on a dance floor
and you end up having a dance
with somebody and it's just so
brilliant that you can't help
yourself but hug at the end of
it and then you never see them
again.
So what started emerging for me
is that I think sometimes, often
, maybe always, we have a choice
in the moments when we're
feeling we haven't had enough of
someone which is such a
desperately our attention to a
moment of connection, maybe even
recalling a physical connection
, a hug, a handhold, sitting
close by each other and allow
our body to feel the impression
of theirs.
And if we can't quite conjure
that feeling, that memory of
that experience, then we can
invite ourselves to imagine that
we can.
Our imagination is vast and
boundless and so powerful that
if we release enough and allow
it to do its work, then maybe it
can help us here too.
I think with this we can
perhaps know that we can choose
to keep feeling that feeling if
and it is an if if it helps us
navigate what we're experiencing
in the time without them.
And of course we do the inner
work to heal the inner wounds.
And, yes, it's important that
we really notice these and we
don't try to cover them up or
conceal them in some way,
because they will continue to
ache and pain us until we bathe
them in our most loving
attention and tend to them as we
wished to have been tended to
at the time that they were
formed.
And so, with this inner work,
we learn how to gently apply our
own metaphorical selves and
ointments to heal ourselves,
perhaps through working with a
guide, someone like me, or
through the wisdom of a book, or
through the learning of new
wisdom.
And and with this inner work,
with this the significance, the
power, the importance of this
inner work, this inner work to
heal these inner wounds, it's
really important.
It's so vital that we don't
rush over or brush over the
joyful connections that we've
had to, as though the pain is
more important than the pleasure
.
And I think that was such a
significant learning for me to
recognize that, yes, my heart
was breaking because, of course,
he's a loved one and we love to
be with our loved ones.
Sometimes it can be challenging,
but, you know, let's sort of,
let's just sort of stay.
Stay with the idea that we love
to be with them.
We love to be with our loved
ones and so, in a way, by
amplifying that or by only
feeling that, I was saying that
the pain was more, more
important than the pleasure that
I had of that sensation, of
that hug and all those hugs that
I've ever had with him, and it
really helped me rebalance and
hold space for both, for both
the joy and the pain, and I've
talked about this before on the
podcast, you know, in this, this
idea that the pain is more
important than the pleasure.
It's such an easy habit to slip
into and you know and I say
that without judgment of myself
or or anybody um, I'm really
really vital that to to say this
isn't about having rose-tinted
glasses.
You know what's that phrase
that is very commonly used these
days.
You know, like spiritual
bypassing, you know, almost like
compassionate bypassing of you
know what we're really feeling.
It's not about that.
It's about being with all that
we've experienced, without
wishing it to be more or less
than it was.
It's about saying enough,
enough now, I think.
I think, as a final thought
about that, that there's
something so powerful about the
concept of gratitude here too,
but I think that's for another
episode, so I hope that that
sparked something for you, and
I'm also really, really mindful
that you know, as I talk about
my relationship with my son, you
know this isn't obviously
anything to do with being a
parent.
This is about loving somebody
and, whether that person is
geographically absent or
spiritually absent, it is maybe
resonant, relevant for you to
consider, well, what is enough
for you and where are those
moments where you can make your
body like temper and feel the
indentation of the loving
connection, um, and hold
yourself safely with love, um,
um, so gosh, I did say it was
going to be quite a big one as
we started, um, and I'd really
love to hear your reflections.
You know I'm so mindful every
time I share something here.
It is, uh, it is an act of
vulnerability, um, because these
, these thoughts, these
experiences, you know they're,
they're explorations for me as
much as something that I invite
you to explore.
So your reflections are always
incredibly valuable to me to to
help me continue to explore an
idea or a thought and um, and,
of course, nothing is set in
stone.
You know we grow and things
shift and ebb and flow, and
that's all part of this
incredibly beautiful journey
that we are all on.
So, um, what else is there that
I need to share with you?
I think the biggest thing thing
is my latest book, letters of
love, a journaling practice for
wisdom and connection, is out
now.
Hooray, hooray.
I'm not I.
It's the probably possibly the
first time you've heard about it
, if, um, unless you're, uh,
connected with me on instagram,
which which would be lovely, by
the way, if you want to come and
find me on there at Henny
underscore Flynn.
This book is a really beautiful
practice in how to connect in
with deeper parts of ourselves
and of the world around us.
These are letters that are
unsent and it is a journaling
practice, and within the book, I
give lots of guidance and also
prompts and also share some of
my own letters that I've written
in their full vulnerability.
So the book is out for
pre-orders and is officially
published on the 6th of February
this year, 2025.
And once it goes out into the
world, it will be available at
all booksellers, so you can buy
it online.
You can get it from bookshops.
You might need to order it from
the bookshop, but you will be.
You can get it from bookshops.
You might need to order it from
the bookshop, but you will be
able to get it from there and
and I can't wait to hear how it
is for you to start writing
these letters.
For me, it's an incredibly
powerful practice to connect in
um and to.
It's almost like these letters
are um.
It's like a container.
Each letter is a container for
writing our deepest thoughts,
feelings, wisdom, and it's
always fascinating to see what
comes through.
So I hope you're going to
really enjoy it and I'm going to
put a link and I ask you to to
take a look.
And the last thing as well is I
get so many messages from people
saying how much they love the
podcast, and I am asking
everybody listening now, as a
personal favor to me, to leave a
review on Apple podcasts or on
Spotify.
I think you can leave reviews
on Spotify as well, wherever you
love to listen.
Basically to leave a review,
because it is reviews that
really help spread the word.
And also, if you love this
episode, please share it with
somebody else.
Again.
You know the world has got a
lot of really challenging stuff
going on right now, and I think
that one of the most beautiful,
powerful, courageous things that
we can do is to spread joy and
love, not with rose-tinted
spectacles, but holding the pain
and the joy simultaneously.
They can coexist.
All right, my darlings, I love
you.
I didn't know I was going to
say that, but I do, and I am
sending a hug and a wave.
So much love, thank you, thank
you.