Henny Flynn: I'm very mindful
that this episode today might
end up being a bit of a ramble.
Just giving you a heads up in
case you're looking for well
structured thoughts that have
been really carefully placed
next to other well structured
thoughts. That might not be what
happens today. But there's some
stuff that I would like to
explore with you. And it's all
around this idea of being too
much. Now, I wasn't really sure
if this was the thing I was
going to talk about today. But,
but I've come across some notes
that I made a little while ago
about this whole idea of being
too much. And it really
resonated with something that I
noticed this morning, after I
got dressed that I am wearing,
quite frankly, slightly bizarre
outfit. It's an ankle length,
orange dress that makes me look
like something out of Star Trek,
a pink bubbled hat, a pair of
trousers underneath the dress,
because I got a little bit
chilly, some men's socks and a
pair of very attractive
gardening slippers. And in the
past, I think I would have a not
worn it, be not wanting anyone
to see me wearing it. And see,
if I had worn it, I think I
might have accused myself of
being a bit too much. Might have
consciously toned it down in
some way. And, and I say all
that very aware that there are
wonderful people listening here
who've known me for a very long
time. And who might actually be
laughing at the moment knowing
some of the outfits that I've
worn in the past. And, and how I
can willingly be a lot at times.
But I feel as though we often
pay a lot of attention to the
feeling of being not enough.
You've only got to scroll
through Instagram or Facebook or
you know, anywhere where people
share reflections on self
awareness. And often there is a
very strong focus, like I said,
on on this sense of knotty
enoughness. And for so many of
us that feeling of not being
enough is extremely strong. You
know, it comes from stories that
we carry from childhood, it
comes from maybe our position
within the family unit. It comes
from school, it comes from
wherever it might even be legacy
stuff that we're carrying
ancestral stories that we're
carrying, can often be to do
with our culture, our gender,
the society that we were born
into, and how they responded to
us, and the people that we have
been born from. Now, all of that
is incredibly important. It's,
you know, it's really valuable
work to really understand what
can sit beneath this sense of,
of not enoughness and, and my
reflection is that very often it
can lead to a lead to us having
a sense of unworthiness, maybe
leading into imposter syndrome,
and an a sense that we don't
really belong. Now, so all of
that is true. And then there's
this thing about what happens if
you feel like you're too much.
So when I first started doing
this kind of work on myself and
first started exploring that
sense of kind of waking up to
myself to my life experience to
what was going on inside of me
and how I was responding to the
world outside of me. I noticed
that people would often talk you
know, often particularly if
there were like groups of women,
say on retreat or something like
that, that there would often be
a lot of talk about not
enoughness and I would sit there
and
in this Usually, we feel a bit
separate from the group, because
most of my life, I felt like I'm
too much. And I've had that
experience where I've walked
into a room. And I've just felt
that I've taken up too much
space, like, like, there just
isn't enough room in the room to
accommodate me. And it's not
just a kind of physical thing,
although that was part of it.
And I think often can be part of
this sense of of too much nurse.
But it was like an energetic
thing. So I'd get a bit clumsy,
I don't know, I might kind of
knock something off a wall. Or I
remember, we went and looked
around a house, once, which
subsequently found out some
really dear friends of ours
bought. And Anton and I were
going around the house, and both
of us just felt like giants,
that we were just too much in
that space. And, and I've had
that experience, you know,
that's a very, that was a very
kind of physically graphic sense
of that experience. But I've had
that experience in other places.
And when I started to share
this, you know, big surprise,
spoiler alert, other people have
felt the same way, gosh, who
would have thought? So I just
thought, let's talk about it.
Let's talk about how we respond
when we feel like we're too
much. And of course, we can have
too much snus sitting alongside
not enoughness, as well, you
know, those two things in that
beautiful human way that we can
carry a paradox to apparently
opposing views held
simultaneously. So, and there
are many similarities actually,
with with not enoughness, you
know, they both can make us feel
as though we somehow don't fit.
We don't fit in the world, we
don't, we're not inhabiting the
space that we've been allocated
by whoever it is that you know,
secretly allocates as our space.
We're not, we're not fitting in
that space. And I once saw a
really wonderful TED Talk. And
if I can find it, I'll share the
link actually, because she was
kind of awesome. This woman from
Scotland, who was actually
dressed in the most flamboyant,
I mean, just astonishing outfit
that completely went against all
the rules. And you know, and was
wonderful. And she talked about
how so few of us actually
inhabit the space that we've
actually been given. So we can
kind of have this sense that
we've, we've got, we've been
allocated this space, and, and
we shouldn't really take up too
much room can be a male and a
female sense. I think that
almost like we've sort of
carried some stories with us
that you know, not to get too
big headed about things, not to
ask for too much. Not to express
our needs. Not to be clear about
what it is that we really want
from our life, and only to be
responding to what it is that we
sense other people need, and
putting them before us, you know
that there are so many themes
and threads that run through
this interlinking themes and
threads. But one of the things
that this woman was saying is
how important it is that we
actually do really step into our
space. And often, what we call
charisma is the thing that we
notice about someone who truly
is inhabiting all of the space
that they can access. And, you
know, of course, we haven't been
given a kind of set meterage of
you know, if we can talk about
energy in those terms, you know,
a set amount of space in the
world, you know, this, there is
plenty of room for the whole of
us. And, and one of the things
that I have come to understand
is how fundamentally important
it is that we make room for the
whole of us
in our life. And that, to me is
tied in with this whole idea of
being not enough or being too
much. Because when we believe
that we're too much, we can find
ourselves actually rejecting
parts of ourselves, pushing
those parts out of sight, in
order that they don't take up
more space than we feel we
should inverted commas be taking
up. And, and it's important that
in this act of welcoming the
whole of us, that we are able to
do it in such a way that we are
kind of grounded in this space
that we inhabit. And
fundamentally, this is all about
belonging. So when we break down
that word, we actually see that
there are two parts to it,
there's B, and there's longing.
And really, when we just flip
them around, it's longing to be,
that's what belonging really
means, is longing to be
ourselves in the place where we
are. Because when we are able to
be fully ourselves, and that
means taking up all of the space
that we have capacity for, it
means being able to show up with
the whole of us, and loving the
whole of us and trusting that
the whole of us is loved, then
we feel like we belong. And, of
course, the act of belonging
really begins inside us. Because
while we feel that we are not
enough, or while we feel that we
are too much, we are basically
saying either that there's
something missing, or that some
part of us needs to go. So the
choice of how we come to this
place of belonging really sits
inside of us. And I think I just
want to sort of take a pause
there, I've kind of rambled off,
but it's something here about
kind of just checking in with
yourself, you know, does any of
this resonate this idea of, of
not enoughness? You know,
that's, that's a no, that's
something that, you know, it's
very common for people to feel,
or this sense of being too much,
you know, feeling as though
we're kind of filling even our
skin is stretched too tight to
hold the whole of us. And a big
part of this, I think, is about
how we perceive ourselves. So
rather than seeing the world,
through the lens of what we
believe other people see, we
actually remove that lens from
in front of our eyes. And we
start to see for ourselves. And
that can help us identify what
is going on for us, if we do
have this sense that we are too
much, it can help us see, are we
perceiving ourselves through
someone else's eyes through the
lens that we have adopted from
someone else? Or is there
something you know, sort of
asking for our attention that
sitting deep inside us something
that feels as though it has been
rejected or unloved and that
part is sort of being we're kind
of carrying that part with us.
But it feels like it's kind of
extra it's like it's too much
because we haven't yet learned
how to turn toward it with our
most loving compassionate heart.
And, and there's another aspect
to this as well, which I think
is around self perception now
I've shared before, in the
podcast, particularly in kind of
earlier episodes about how I had
a kind of distorted body
imagery. And when I first began
to think about this whole idea
of feeling like I was too much,
I started to one day, you know,
is that is that was that because
as a sort of young, you know,
middle kind of adolescent, I
felt I, my body was bigger than
it should have been, it didn't
fit in what I thought was the,
you know, desired archetype of a
teenage girl. So, did this sense
of being too much begin because
I, I felt I was overweight? Or
was that weight a manifestation
of this feeling of being too
much? And it? Yeah, got down, I
need to threaten, you just need
to rethink that thought of this.
Yeah. So was that feeling the
manifestation of the feeling of
being too much, almost like a, a
way for me to, to sort of to see
that this was what was going on
inside of me. And, oh, that's a
bit of a complex sort of idea.
And, and also, you know, gosh, I
don't want to go down a rabbit
hole of, you know, people
thinking that when we put on
weight is because we think that
we're too much and blah, blah,
blah, but because there are so
many reasons why we can find
ourselves, gaining weight at
different stages in our lives,
different points in our lives.
But it's just I just find it
quite curious. That sense that
physically, for me, at least, I
felt it was too much. And
inside, I also felt I was too
much. So what it meant was that
even at the various points where
I had lost weight. So there was
a time when I was at university
when I was very, very, very
thin. And, you know, at various
points over the years, I still,
my body might have been less,
but I still felt intrinsically
that I was too much. And, and
for me, and I think for others,
certainly for other clients that
I've worked with over the years,
sometimes that sense of too much
nurse can lead to this body
dysmorphia. And a sense that in
order to deal with that, we need
to be smaller. So, so this, what
do we do? What do we do with
this feeling too much? How do we
address that? I think that first
of all, is to kind of notice, is
that something that resonates
with you? Is that that you know
that some of those sort of
aspects that I've shared of my
own story, do any of those click
little buttons in your own
neurons in your brain? Fire
little thoughts out. So first of
all, we notice and secondly, I
think we come back to this idea
that we all have the capacity
the opportunity to step fully
into the space that that we are
given and we are all given
enough space. There is no such
thing as being too much. Now, I
suppose what then sort of comes
for me is at times we can come
across people who whose energy
is explosive
and, and certainly Gosh, when I
think back to some of the ways
that I've behaved in the past,
my energy has definitely been
explosive, it's been like, look
at me, you know, almost like
sort of demanding that
attention. My mom used to call
me, Sarah heartburn, I don't
know, if you after the famous
actress of the late 1900 1800s,
Sarah Bernhardt because I'd get
very kind of dramatic. But I
think for me, that was an
expression of this feeling like
there was a lot going on inside
me, and I didn't know how to
channel it. So it would come out
in this kind of explosive like
attention demanding attention
seeking behaviour. And we can
see it in adults, we see it in
children, we see it in adults,
we see it in, you know, people
in the media. And there is a
kind of a distinction here, I
think between that kind of
really kind of forcing, forcing
our way out into the world,
compared with, you know, that
sort of calm, you know, awesome
presence that some people just
have, when you know, that they
are fully grounded, and holding
themselves with love and
compassion in the space that
they take up. And even as I say,
that got my hands are really
tingling as I kind of get this
sense of, like really holding
ourselves. And so I think, you
know, gosh, like, so many, so
much of the stuff that I cover
on the podcast, it's really just
a, an opportunity for reflection
of, like, how does it feel to
really allow yourself to take up
space to really acknowledge,
like, the full potential of
yourself, to, to not feel as
though you have to limit
yourself in some way in out of
some fear that someone, whoever
that someone is, is going to
think that you are too much. And
often the stories of not enough
nurse, too much nurse, you know,
they come from childhood. So
also perhaps kind of looking
back and seeing well, what might
have been the pattern. So the
stories, the narrative that set
this in motion. For me, I'm
fairly sure you know, I'm the
youngest of four. And pretty
much the only way to get the
attention that I really wanted
was to be quite a lot. And so,
and another belief, I think I've
shared this with you before
another belief that How old is
that I am annoying. And I
suspect at times as the youngest
of four, I probably was a bit
annoying. I kind of love that
part of me now that believes
that I'm annoying. But it's the
it's a very similar part to the
I'm too much. It's there,
they're very attached to each
other, those two parts. So kind
of looking back and seeing well,
where where might this have
begun and looking back with
compassion and with no judgement
on our caregivers or on on those
that we were, you know,
influenced by that one one of my
favourite phrases, you know,
most people most of the time and
mostly doing their best holds
true most of the time. So
looking back was compassion,
and, and without judgement, but
just kind of seeing Okay, well,
that could have influenced this
for me, and then saying, Well,
what does it feel like for me to
really belong, and to remember
that that state of belonging is
an internal state. We begin
always with ourselves. And when
we belong here, it becomes much
easier to really step into the
full space that we have
available to us. And it's big,
you know, there's a lot of room
so we can step into it. Okay, my
darlings, I really hope that
made sense. I feel as though I
went, Oh, off into lots of
thoughts. But gosh, there was,
even as I was talking, it felt
useful for me. So I really hope
it was useful for you too. And I
send you a hug and a wave.
Oh, by the way, I've started
getting the transcripts for
these podcasts. as well so not
quite sure how to share them
yet. But if anyone has got any
thoughts that would be really
useful. Transcripts can be
really useful. Okay, my
darlings. That was a bit random.
Another hug underway